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Thursday, November 25, 2010; 12:16 PM
Well, here it is. The day you've been waiting for (dreading). Loads of food and family fun (dry turkey and fights). Watching your favorite football team win (lose). Eating so much you fall into a blissful sleep (puke your brains out before slipping into a coma). Some of you will start planning for the Christmas shopping season (going bankrupt). Others will pray more and go to church (ask God why he has forsaken you).
With the cold weather, we can start pulling out our winter sweaters (moth eaten shawls) and head out for the office Christmas party (soup kitchen). There, you'll spend time with the friends you've developed over the years (avoid the drunken office groper) and laugh about the good times you have had this year (compare severance packages). Maybe, some of you will even do something particularly nice for your boss (pull out a gun and blow everyone to hell).
So, this year, as you are smiling and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside (sobbing uncontrollably), I would like to send you all my warmest wishes for a happy, healthy, fun-filled Thanksgiving Day (unending supply of vodka/Valium/pot).
Love,
Mattie